The Superiority Complex

Politicians, on the whole, are an arrogant bunch.

They lie. They cheat. They make promises in their manifestos which they never intend to keep - stand up Nick Clegg and Gordon Brown - then when the time comes to deliver, they turn around and tell us that because they know better than us their manifestos no longer apply and they won't be fulfilling those commitments. It's not just Labour and the Lib Dems, I have little doubt that Cameron too will break promises once he is elected.

They claim for ridiculous items on expenses in order to increase their income, because they think they are worth more than the sixty-odd grand they are paid per year, when most of us would dearly love to earn half their salaries. Then they force us taxpayers to subsidise their drinks in the houses of parliament, while the rest of us plebs have to pay ever bigger duties on alcohol. No wonder our pubs are dying. Still, as long as the bars in the Commons are still going, who cares about the great unwashed?

Politicians have a superiority complex. They think they are better than us.

Mad Pig Disease

We’ve already had mad cow disease - Bovin Spongiform Encephalopathy - now it’s Porcine Spongersform Expensesapathy. Yes, that's right, mad Westminster porkers running around higgledy piggledy in a state of panic at the impending election, wondering if anybody is going to vote for them. Unfortunately for them, they’re really sty-mied this time as there's a hog roast this weekend.

The best solution, of course, is to remove the brain and spinal column of the infected porker. Regrettably, it has been painfully apparent these last few years that very few of these piggies are in possession of a brain, and even fewer a backbone. These are clearly hopeless cases.

Now all that is required for history to come full circle is for the John Selwyn Gummer moment, where some unfortunate cabinet minister is trotter-ed out before the cameras (remember, Brown doesn’t DO bad news) to feed shredded expenses forms to their offspring while insisting everything is perfectly safe. Yum-yum! Ham on the bone? Just feed it to the dog, then claim for the dog’s bowl on expenses.

Piggin' 'ell!