Mad Pig Disease

We’ve already had mad cow disease - Bovin Spongiform Encephalopathy - now it’s Porcine Spongersform Expensesapathy. Yes, that's right, mad Westminster porkers running around higgledy piggledy in a state of panic at the impending election, wondering if anybody is going to vote for them. Unfortunately for them, they’re really sty-mied this time as there's a hog roast this weekend.

The best solution, of course, is to remove the brain and spinal column of the infected porker. Regrettably, it has been painfully apparent these last few years that very few of these piggies are in possession of a brain, and even fewer a backbone. These are clearly hopeless cases.

Now all that is required for history to come full circle is for the John Selwyn Gummer moment, where some unfortunate cabinet minister is trotter-ed out before the cameras (remember, Brown doesn’t DO bad news) to feed shredded expenses forms to their offspring while insisting everything is perfectly safe. Yum-yum! Ham on the bone? Just feed it to the dog, then claim for the dog’s bowl on expenses.

Piggin' 'ell!

The Poisoned Chalice

Pointless speculation is everywhere. Will Brown face a leadership challenge following the local and European election results? Who are the frontrunners to take over? Frankly, who cares?

Nobody can save Labour now, they are doomed to defeat. Backbenchers may continue to drop hints to hacks as ever more ridiculous names are paraded in the media in the hope that the public will find one that is acceptable, but it is a forlorn and desperate hope. These selfish lobby fodder continue to plot in order to save their own hides when the day of reckoning comes, oblivious to the fact that the country no longer cares who leads the Labour party. All we want is a general election, as soon as possible.

Who would drink from the poisoned chalice now? The young pretenders suggested so far have many years front-line politics ahead of them if they wait until after the election. There seems little point in going over the top early, when the election could be over within a matter of months. Let's face it, somebody has to call time on this rotten parliament soon. Waiting until 2010 will only increase the scale of the defeat, as the calls for an immediate general election grow louder.

Doing the Honourable Thing

A quote from Kelvin MacKenzie:

“Gordon should take a bottle of brandy and a gun, go to a quiet room, have a drink, then blow his brains out. “

Admirable sentiments, but I fear Kelvin hasn’t thought that one through properly. Such is Gordon Brown’s competence that if tried to shoot himself, he would miss. In truth, Gordon is a local politician with delusions of adequacy who has been promoted way above his station. I fear much the same applies to the rest of the current cabinet. In Gordon’s favour, he has had a couple of years in the job, and that experience alone lifts him above those in his own party who plot to succeed him - though there is still very little between the hopeless and inept array of nonentities and numpties that make up the current government.

A change of governing party or parties is long overdue.

World owes US a debt - Gordon Brown

It's funny how Gordon Brown is trying to distance himself from the credit crunch. Apparently, it all started in America, or so he claims. The fact that other countries blame Britain just as much is something to be glossed over.

Brown was not always so keen to distance himself from Bush's policies. Not that very long ago he was going around telling everybody who would listen that the whole world owes the US a debt. That was, of course, back in the days when people were still listening to Gordon. In fact, I've just chanced upon an old BBC article along those lines:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/6920877.stm

So you see, the world used to owe the US a debt. Now the US and the UK owe the rest of the world, and here in the UK it will take decades to pay that off.

Smeargate

There is something very rotten in the heart of Gordon Brown's Downing Street. The more I see of the man, the more I believe it is Gordon Brown himself who has the rotten heart. More obsessed with spin than Blair's government was, he is reportedly most upset that cartoonists portray him as overweight. His first thought at all times is not "how can I best run the country", or even "how can I best portray my party in a positive light", but "what can I do to put one over on the Tories today". Brown looks - to my mind at least - to have condoned this sort of approach. It is nasty stuff, and a government should be above all of this. Even Michael Howard did not stoop to such tactics in his frequently unpleasant 2005 election campaign.

Politics is a brutal game at times, but playing the man rather than the ball is not acceptable. Gordon has built up a spite-ridden regime reliant on smears, lies and instant rapid rebuttals. This isn't about running the country, but about trying to kick the Tories. It is immature student politics. Gordon MUST come out of hiding and make a statement. No ifs, no buts, he is accountable this time and risks further damage to his already battered reputation with every hour he delays.

Where are you, Gordon?

Are You Running Out of Ideas?

Are you a world leader who has failed on the domestic stage? Have your regulatory regimes failed, your policies been exposed and your record been ridiculed? Are you running out of other people's money, or ideas about what to do next about your failing economy? Then why not try hosting a new and improved G20 Meeting!

Yes, that's right! You too can mince around the world stage, where you haven't yet fluffed your lines, and your trousers have yet to fall down. You too can look important, and talk about how awful things are, and give the appearance that you know what you are doing (even if you don't), along with the ministers of up to 19 other countries. Yes, this once-in-a-strifetime opportunity allows you to sit at a big table with foreign bigwigs, and talk cobblers and argue the toss until the chavs are thoroughly convinced you are doing something. You can even pretend to your own national media that you are leading the world, even though foreign newspapers won't waste a single line on you. Yes, all this and much, much more!

Try new formula G20 today. A great substitute for not knowing what else to do.

Is Brown Bonkers?

It looks like I was ahead of public opinion, then. Since my last post about Brown needing to apologise, the narrative has moved on from Bankers, and people have been calling for Brown to apologise himself. Ministers first hinted at regrets, then Brown finally came out with a non-apology, while making it clear he had nothing to apologise for.

The trouble is, even if he were to apologise, and he hasn't come anywhere near, he still needs to admit to himself and to the rest of us that he bears some of the responsibility for this mess. I don't think he will ever do that now, because with every interview or public appearance his statements and proclamations get more ludicrous, more detached from reality, and more deluded. He even seems to believe he is entirely innocent for the bubble in the UK.

Has Brown lost all sense of reality? I realise that Guido Fawkes has been suggesting this for some time, but it is becoming rather obvious nowadays that Gordon Brown is increasingly detached from events. Does he honestly believe he's some sort of Churchillian figure, striding around the world stage, solving a problem the Americans caused and that only he can put right? Or is this just Gordon's inept attempt at spin?